Sore Loser

competitive - adj. 1. involving competition 2. strongly wanting to be more successful than other people 3. as good as or better than others of a similar nature

i am a very competitive person. anyone who's ever played sports or done anything where they're trying to excel past or be better than someone else knows exactly what i mean. it doesn't matter to me, i could be driving down Dr. MLK street and if someone passes me, my pedal is on the damn floor faster than innocent bystanders during a drive-by. who do they think they are? tryin to pass this 5.4 liter triton v8, must be outta their damn mind. even when my girlfriend kicked the dog shit outta me in ping pong, i wanted to smash everything in sight. it didn't help when she proceeded to tell me how bad i sucked. because when it comes to being a sore loser, i'm the sorest of the sore.

i can't stand to lose. nothing makes my blood pressure rise faster than losing or failing. so what do i do when i lose? i become the biggest cry-baby on the planet. i completely shut down and do not want to be bothered. i'm pretty much un-approachable for a few hours depending on the severity of the loss. if i can't beat a song on guitar hero (it gets hard on expert) i usually scream obscenities, punch the guitar and start again, but the hissy-fit is often short-lived. but other times, like tonight, when my softball team loses and only scores one run (yea that's not a typo) in an inner-city softball league, i lose it. not to mention the fact that i played like a Special Olympic decathlete, which makes it 100 times worse. i recently took the coaching job of a softball team and when i react like this, i don't talk to anyone and leave the field as fast as i can, which can be a bad thing. (i have already e-mailed the team and apologized for being such a shithead) not just for the team, but for others, too, like my loving girlfriend. yes, the same one that i have referred to time and time again as the wonderful 'gnat'. when i react like this she doesn't like it, either and lets me know about it which makes me feel even worse because sometimes i yell at her and hurt her feelings even though she had nothing to do with it. bad thing. very bad thing.

what i need to do is find different ways to deal with my anger other than smoking and punching the most solid surface in sight i.e. trees, walls, cars, trunk lids...........damn buckeyes. i need to learn to lose gracefully and not get so down and pissed off about it. when i win or my team wins, it's controlled enthusiasm because i'm not a complete asshole, i don't rub it in, i graciously accept it and move on. now why the hell can't i do that with losing? i haven't found an answer yet, but i'm open for suggestions. in the mean time, i'm gonna go see how many times i can punch the garage door before it or i collapses. thanks for reading, peace and chicken grease -special k